I can't even count the amount of times that I have desired, thought about, and/or schemed about updating my blog. It just hasn't happened. (Uh, yeah...obviously!) But I certainly want it to. Let's be realistic here, though...I can't possibly go back and catch up every little thing that is blog worthy. Shame, shame. I'll just do the best I can...when I can. :)
I spent some time tonight reading through old entries. And while doing that is somewhat reminiscent of hearing your own voice on a recording (yikes!), I can't deny how grateful I am that I have recorded some of the things that I have. (You know...those things that I was certain I'd never forget. Ha!) And since I feel grateful more times than I do embarrassed, I guess that's grounds for continuing this ole' bloggity-blog.
It's an interesting thing to read through old journal entries. And I imagine that each entry will mean different things at different times in our lives as we re-read them. I use my old entries as a meter of comparison. How have I changed, grown, improved since then? For this reason, I try to keep my entries as real as possible. I don't want to look back at old entries and be comparing myself to a facade. I want to see real progress (and hopefully it's progress--not regression--that I am seeing!) and be encouraged by the results. And, in difficult times or the ordinary fluctuations in emotion that we humans are so prone to, I want to know that I survived previous difficulties and lack of passion. I want to know with certainty that "this, too, shall pass" and I can make it through once again. And most of all...I want my writings to be a source of strength to my children and grandchildren some day. I want them to know me for who I really am--with all my faults and triumphs--even if it exposes me to some temporary embarrassment or seems incredibly narcissistic on my part.
I think I've done a fairly good job of keeping it real, and I intend to keep doing just that for all the reasons I've mentioned above. And with that being said...when I began this entry tonight, I was feeling an incredible lack of passion about my current stage of life and wondering why I don't feel an immense amount of joy. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE my spouse and my children. I always do and I always will. But some days...and today was one of them...being a wife and mother was not bringing me the amount of joy that I know it's supposed to. It wasn't my favorite thing to be today. Today it just felt extra hard and I was feeling extra selfish...like I could just use a little break or get-away. Although I'm sure these feelings are perfectly human and incredibly influenced by shifting hormones, it still bothers me. Very much so. It's hard when you know how you should feel and yet you don't feel it. If nothing else, it's caused for some pondering and reflecting on my part as I try to pinpoint the problems and discover solutions. And now that I've taken the time to sit down and put these feelings in to words, I'm fairly certain that a good night's sleep will bring the renewed perspective and energy that I was previously lacking.
This post, itself, is a step in that direction. Golly, it feels good to get that out. *sigh* Now, I can sleep a little more peacefully. I'm sure the clarity and insight I've gained throughout this therapeutic blogging will be anything but clear to those who may read it. But then, that wasn't really the point of this blog in the first place.
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4 comments:
I need to blog too! I am like 2 yrs behind. I am having a hate relationship with facebook lately and have decided I love to blog more. I need to get to it!!! Totally normal to have a hard Mommy day! Except I do get away sometimes! Love you!
Since this blogging thing seems to have taken the place of some type of scrapbook/photo album/journal thing updating it when it suits you and when you REALLY want to is probably the best idea. If you approach it like a chore then it won't be enjoyable. If you look at it as a way of just keeping track of memories, since we all have mom brains and forget things too quickly, then it will benefit you way more.
I for one am glad that I've recorded as much as I have. I can look back at my entire pregnancy with Witten and remember how I felt at a certain time, because my brain seems to have erased some of those things that seemed so important at the time. And blogging is free, unlike scrapbooking, so you can do it as much as you want to. Go ahead, you know you want to.
I am glad to see you back! I appreciate your thoughts and words. We all have hard mothering moments and I know that mine have extended into days at times. This period of motherhood with little children is very taxing emotionally, physically, mentally and of course it is amazing and fulfilling.
Speaking for myself i know it is completely natural to want to get away and I don't think it is entirely selfish. A recharged mommy benefits everyone, especially her children and I know that I miss my kids when I am away from them for a bit. I haven't had the opportunity to get away but I would love it and look forward to a brief reprieve. If only to remember that I am Heather and not always wearing the mommy hat.
It is nice to hear that others have the same feelings at times that I do. Somedays I struggle with why I can't get it all done and how can I slow down and relax and enjoy the moment. Thanks for sharing. Love ya!
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